Somehow, it’s been overlooked by the mainstream media (probably because it’s not that important), but in 12 days, it’ll be the 30th anniversary of the creation of the now-timeless taunt, “cheese-eating surrender monkeys.”
Per Groundskeeper Willie’s spirited enunciation:
“The Simpsons” episode “‘Round Springfield” aired on April 30, 1995. It was a really good episode, too: It was the first time a recurring character — the toothbrush-deprived jazzman, Bleedings Gums Murphy — was killed off, and it tackled atypical themes like grief and guilt.
But it’s most famous for “cheese-eating surrender monkeys.”
Credit Jonah Goldberg for redirecting the taunt into the political sphere, first with his 1999 National Review column, “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys From Hell,” and later during the run-up to the Iraq War. Shortly thereafter, the UK’s Nigel Farage used it in a debate with Tony Blair. Soon, it went mainstream: Anthony Bourdain repeated it in his book; TV hosts snickered it on car shows; and one British journalist even declared it “the most famous Simpsonism” of them all (besting “embiggen,” “kwyjibo,” and “craptacular” — all of which are now recognized by Microsoft’s spellcheck software as real, legitimate words, which probably means… well, something.).
It’s impossible to pinpoint exactly why “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” made such a bidet-like splash on the public consciousness. Comedy, after all, defies conventional deconstructions; a good joke is always much more than the sum-total of its parts.
When you overthink it, you lose the forest for the trees.
Still, for whatever reason, the phrase is just perfect. “Cheese-eating surrender monkeys” perfectly encapsulates the smug, smarmy, entitled French and their kneejerk impulse to wave the white flag at the first sight of adversity and suckle at the toes of the dictator du jour.
Question: Why do French tanks have five gears for reverse, but only one for forward?
Answer: In case they’re attacked from behind.
But alas, the French aren’t the only “surrender monkeys” in the political jungle. You don’t need to travel to Western Europe to witness “surrender monkeys” in their native habitat. There’s plenty of ‘em right here in the United States.
On April 2, 2025, Donald Trump announced “Liberation Day.” In doing so, he declared a Trade War on the rest of the world.
Or, perhaps more accurately, President Trump recognized that a trade war was already raging, and finally decided to protect the homeland.
Last year, the U.S. government collected about $80 billion in tariffs and fees on imports — a mere smidgen of the $4.2 trillion collected in taxes. Meanwhile, American companies “pay over $200 billion per year in value-added taxes (VAT) to foreign governments — a ‘double-whammy’ on U.S. companies who pay the tax at the European border, while European companies don’t pay tax to the United States on the income from their exports to the U.S.”
We also lose up to $600 billion annually on intellectual theft, counterfeit products, and pirated technology, leaving the United States with a $1.2 trillion trade deficit.
That’s a helluva imbalance! It’s not imaginary!
And frankly, it doesn’t require much of an imagination to recognize how a more-equitable alignment would boost U.S. companies, shift the tax burden off the backs of hard-working Americans, and allow domestic innovation, investment, and opportunity to blossom.
Nobody said it would be easy. But as far as Promised Lands go, the one Trump’s describing is pretty damn good.
“Liberation Day” was just six days ago. It hasn’t even been a week yet! And the Democratic Party is already waiving the white flag.
“New Dem Chair Demands House Republicans Join Democrats to End Trump’s Trade War Chaos,” screamed a press release on Monday — just five days after Liberation Day!
Good thing these Democrats weren’t guiding the Israeli government during the Six Day War, eh? On day five, they would’ve said, “Gosh, guys, we should probably surrender now. Enough’s enough.”
The mainstream media and/or “Never Trump” Nimrods acted like monkeys, too. Our old pal Joe Scarborough piously warned MSNBC’s viewers (all seven of ‘em) about President Trump’s “self-induced war:”
Republicans are not powerless here. The GOP-controlled Congress has the power to stop Trump’s trade war. They have the power to moderate it. They have the constitutional power to decide if 46% tariffs are too much to push on Vietnam. They have the power to make this less tough on American businesses. They have the power to talk and negotiate with the president and come up with something that’s not quite as extreme. If you hear Republicans saying they can’t do anything, that’s just a lie.
Americans can’t fall for these lies. They must understand that when this administration goes on television and says that this has to be done, they’re not telling the truth. And when Republicans refuse to stand up to Trump and tell the American people they can’t do anything about it, that’s not true either. It’s doublespeak.
But if this is really, truly a “war,” then why is one side of the aisle pushing so hard for an American surrender?
Once again, it hasn’t even been a week!
Related: Trump vs. the World: A Global Poker Tournament
In World War II, it took the Germans over six weeks (May 10 to June 25) to conquer France. Yet the Democratic Party, Never-Trump Republicans, and the mainstream media are pleading to surrender after less than a week?!
Who knew today’s Democrats had 1/6 the courage of the French?
Therefore, it’s time to remove the “cheese-eating surrender monkey” mantle from the backs of Pierre and Jacques and hoist it onto the shoulders of our domestic, North American simians. (What’s fair is fair.)
Only, today’s Democrats don’t eat cheese. They’re lactose intolerant, and besides, dairy conflicts with their vegan lifestyle. (“You’re exploiting cows, man.”) So we’ve gotta do some creative editing.
Therefore, beginning today, we hereby christen: Gender-confused surrender monkey.
You’re welcome, America.
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