Five years on from Covid, it’s easy to forget just how much we lost our collective marbles. The authorities issued edicts that appeared to be borne out of hysteria, rather than any reasoned attempt to combat the virus. Meanwhile, businesses took it upon themselves to render themselves ‘Covid-safe’, with dystopian, hilarious and often lewd consequences. As we mark this grim anniversary, here’s a reminder of some of lockdown’s more absurd moments – from masked-up orgy advice to disinfected goalposts. Read them, relive them, and weep.
The Scotch-egg saga
Try as they might, journalists never managed to expose the sheer stupidity of the UK government’s Covid response better than UK government ministers themselves. A shining example of this was then Tory environment secretary George Eustice. Speaking in November 2020, when ‘Tier Two’ restrictions allowed pubs to serve alcohol with a ‘substantial’ meal, Eustice sought to clarify the government’s position in words he presumably thought the public would understand. ‘I think a Scotch egg would probably count as a substantial meal, if there were table service, and often that might be a starter’, he told LBC.
Cue days of debate about whether the presence of the savoury treat could, in fact, ward off the virus. To be fair to Eustice, this was the kind of absurdity the rules thrust upon us. Why would eating in a pub protect against Covid, while merely having a few pints there would leave you perilously vulnerable? Why was it okay to drink sitting down, but not standing up? By trying to make sense of the ‘expert’ advice, our leaders only exposed themselves to ridicule. It would be funny, if their demented rules hadn’t destroyed so many livelihoods.
Covid-safe sex
‘How do you date without touching or kissing? How do you have sex without breathing on your partner and putting each other at risk?’, asked the New York Times in June 2020. The city’s lateral-thinking public-health officials were, apparently, asking themselves the same kinds of questions. Published in the same month, official NYC health guidance – entitled, ‘Safer Sex and Covid-19’ – encouraged New Yorkers to do their bit to stop the spread by ‘getting creative with sexual positions’, including the use of ‘physical barriers’ to prevent ‘face-to-face’ contact. Fortunately, no visual aids accompanied the advice. ‘Masturbate together’ was another suggestion, as was logging on to ‘sexy Zoom parties’. Those who preferred a ‘crowd’ were advised to seek out ‘larger, more open, ventilated spaces’.
New York, as the city’s deputy commissioner for disease control explained, ‘has a really strong record of being very sex positive’. It was only fitting, therefore, that the city that never sleeps became the first jurisdiction in recorded history to encourage its own citizens to have sex through walls. Another crowning achievement.
Stay safe, disinfect goalposts, kill dogs
The insanity that gripped Australia during Covid surprised many people. Weren’t Australians supposed to be a laidback, easygoing lot? In fact, the opposite turned out to be the case. Melbourne, Australia’s second-biggest city, spent longer than any other city in the world locked down, at 245 days. Disturbing examples from Australia’s draconian fit include the arrest of a pregnant woman at her home in Victoria for sharing an anti-lockdown protest on Facebook. On the sillier end, we had officials in hazmat suits spraying disinfectant on football goalposts, after a match had been played in an empty, 60,000-seater stadium.
For pointless acts of cruelty, it is hard to beat the killing of 15 rescue dogs, including 10 puppies, carried out by the local shire of Bourke, New South Wales, in August 2021. ‘The council decided to take this course of action to protect its employees and community’, the shire told the Sydney Morning Herald. Apparently, locals could have been put at risk from people tempted to visit the kennel in order to find new homes for the dogs. The council later found itself under investigation for breaching animal-cruelty laws.
The drive-thru strip club
Lockdown may have shuttered and destroyed many businesses, but it also unleashed the dogged creativity of many entrepreneurs, as they battled to stay open as best they could. The Lucky Devil Lounge, a strip club in the US city of Portland, was one such case. To get around the city’s hospitality closures in May 2020, owner Shon Boulden embarked on a radical transformation: the Lucky Devil Lounge became Lucky Devil Eats, offering drive-thru strip shows to go with takeaway grub. ‘The main service that we’re providing… is a little bit of hope’, Boulden said at the time, adding that there was ‘no nudity’ so as to make a trip to Lucky Devil Covid-safe fun for all the family.
‘They’re not sex dolls…’
A Korean football club also showed an impressive ability to think outside the box. To counteract the dull atmosphere of empty stands in the 2020 K League season, the owners of FC Seoul decided to fill the seats with mannequins. But problems emerged when concerned fans pointed out that the figures in the stands bore a striking resemblance to sex dolls. As the BBC reported at the time: ‘FC Seoul insisted they were “premium mannequins” rather than sex dolls – but did admit they came from a supplier that produces sex toys.’ What a time it was to be alive.
Hugo Timms is an editorial assistant at spiked.
