Sleepy Joe is even more f—ed up than we expected.
It’s Good Friday, April 18, 2025
Joe Biden, 82, is still eligible to run for president again in 2028, and hasn’t ruled anything out. The frail geezer shuffled gingerly back into the national spotlight this week, giving the keynote address at a convention of disability rights advocates in Chicago.
It was Biden’s first major speech since leaving office, and it didn’t get off to a great start. He wandered up to the microphone and started talking while his Bruce Springsteen entrance music was still blaring over the loudspeakers. The speech was supposed to be about Social Security. Naturally, the former president opened with a long-winded, inscrutable anecdote about Delaware’s history as a slave state, his father’s career prospects after “coal died” in Pennsylvania, his memory of watching the “colored kids” get bused to school, and how the latter supposedly inspired him to go into politics for the rest of his life. For good measure, Biden blasted “roughly 30 percent” of Americans—the ones who strongly support Donald Trump and his agenda—for having “no heart.”
Biden is speaking out again for several reasons. He is apparently eager to help the Democratic Party “regain its viability” after Democrats destroyed their reputation by insisting a befuddled dementia patient was fit to serve another four years in the White House. He’s also eager to get paid. Biden signed on with Creative Artists Agency to manage his speaking gigs. Giving speeches is one of the easiest ways for politicians to make obscene amounts of money after leaving office. Hillary Clinton, for example, raked in $22 million in just two years between leaving the State Department and launching her doomed presidential campaign.
Hillary didn’t just insist on a hefty speaking fee. She also had a list of demands for the corporations and activist groups that could afford her words of wisdom. In 2014, for example, after agreeing to give UCLA the “special university rate” of just $300,000, Hillary sent over a list of demands that included the following:
- Backstage spread of hummus, crudité, sliced fruit, and diet ginger ale.
- A computer, mouse, printer and scanner [for disseminating classified documents].
- A special podium because the one UCLA supplied wasn’t good enough.
- A chair with two long, rectangular pillows and two cushions to be kept backstage in case she required “additional back support.”
- Pre-staged group photos to ensure she didn’t have to “stand around waiting for people.”
We were curious to find out what sort of demands Biden has been sending around to prospective buyers. After a fair amount of investigative work involving methods our (former) lawyers described as “probably illegal,” we managed to obtain a copy of that list. It turned out to be even more f—ed than we could ever have imagined. Enjoy!
Joseph R. Biden
Creative Artists Agency
Non-negotiable demands (2025)
• Complimentary transportation via private jet, and a 1967 Corvette Stingray (like the one Mr. Biden almost lost in a minor house fire in 2004) waiting on the tarmac. The car must be secretly upgraded with self-driving technology (non-Tesla) to give the appearance that Mr. Biden is driving, even though the DMV refused to reissue his license.
• Complimentary four-star hotel suite with a handicapped toilet, walk-in bathtub, model train set, water bed, extra lube, and vaudeville music playing (at a volume the average person might describe as unbearably loud) on gramophone.
• LARGE ARROWS marked with glow-in-the-dark tape guiding all of Mr. Biden’s movements from the moment he steps off the plane to the moment he boards his flight home. The hotel, speaking venue, and any other location at which Mr. Biden is expected to appear MUST be clearly marked as if guiding a child of slightly below-average intelligence on a treasure hunt. (Prizes encouraged but not required.)
• A personal companion to accompany Mr. Biden at all times (except during the speech) to listen to his stories and nod along graciously even if they don’t make sense. (They won’t.)
• A prestigious historian (or actor portraying one) to accompany Mr. Biden at all times (except during the speech) and remind him that he was the most transformative president since FDR and WAY MORE successful than Barack Obama.
• A Finnish person (or actor portraying one) to accompany Mr. Biden at all times (except during the speech) and repeatedly thank him for “saving NATO.”
• A professional stuntman (for liability purposes) to accompany Mr. Biden at all times (except during the speech) and sporadically instigate physical altercations with Mr. Biden by disparaging his intellect and/or Irish heritage. Mr. Biden MUST WIN decisively every time.
• Backstage spread of Ensure nutrition shakes for seniors (vanilla flavor, room temperature), several boxes of Depend incontinence undergarment for men (size large, maximum absorbency), clean syringes (for amphetamine injection), and Skittles—46 packages, carefully opened, each individual candy cut into thirds (to avoid choking hazard), placed back in the packages, and professionally resealed.
• Dressing room with makeshift ice cream parlor (with friendly staff) and gaggle of reporters to ask Mr. Biden what flavor he ordered.
• Dressing room television with at least 45 minutes’ worth of professionally produced mock coverage of Nancy Pelosi’s “death” in a horrific accident involving an Amtrak train.
• AI-generated FaceTime call with Strom Thurmond (deceased) to wish Mr. Biden luck on his speech. MUST include the phrase, “you Mick sumbitch.”
• No less than TWELVE servants (but don’t call them that) required to attend to the many (often outlandish) needs of Dr. Jill Biden, who shall be referred to as “Her Excellency the Doctor First Lady.” NO EYE CONTACT.
• No less than THREE servants (but don’t call them that) required to attend to Mr. Biden and monitor his breathing in the event that he wanders off and falls asleep. MUST BE FILIPINO.
• All female staff members (at speaking venue, hotel, etc.) must sign NDAs and promise (in writing) not to sue or file a complaint when Mr. Biden smells their hair. LET HIM DO IT.
• All non-native English speakers must do the same on account of Mr. Biden’s insistence on mimicking their accents.
• All staff are required to ask Mr. Biden about his SIX grandchildren. Contrary to public reports from 2023, Mr. Biden does not recognize the humanity of offspring sired out of wedlock.
• At least 30 minutes allocated for Mr. Biden to introduce himself to the teleprompter.
• Host organization MUST give Mr. Biden’s son, Hunter R. Biden, a seat on the board of directors or some other role that does not require physical attendance or meaningful contribution. Exact compensation negotiable, but MUST EXCEED $275,000 per annum.
Twitter: @AndrewStilesUSA
Email: stiles@freebeacon.com
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